Friday, 1 February 2013

I'm Way Too Young For This...

Sorry, but to be frank, I'm way too young for this shit.

Yesterday was a pretty weird day for me. It started in my family doctor's office where I went to have the stitches in my head removed. I first had to sit for ¾ of an hour with a peroxide-soaked rag on my head. The peroxide had to dissolve the gunk that covered the cut so they could find the stitches. Once the forest was cleared, it felt like they went at them with a dull knife and ripped them from my skin using fencing pliers. Wow, what an ordeal for a couple of threads.

After the nurses had finished having their go, the doctor came in. I have been a patient of this doctor for about 35-years and he is, without a doubt, one of the coolest people I know. We often compare notes on our lives during the 60s and 70s, or at least what we both can remember of those times. He came in, had a look at the nurses' handiwork, took my temperature, had a listen all around my chest and back, and then took my blood pressure. Once he was done with all of this, he then inspected the incision and the bulge beneath it to ensure that the pacemaker was still where the specialist put it. When he was all done he announced, with great gusto I might add, that I was doing "splendid" and "wonderful" and everything was "perfect".

I think he was a bit disappointed in me as I didn't clap my hands in glee and jump up and down giggling. It is not that I'm not appreciative and I do feel lucky I came through this with less aggravation and pain that what I have experienced having a root cannel, but dammit, I'm way too young for this shit.

When I arrived back home I checked the mail and there was an envelope from Biotronik, the company that made the pacemaker. Opening it, I found a plastic registration card and a covering letter.

Strangely, I am happy about the card, another one that I shouldn't leave home without. It tells the readers that I am the not-so-proud owner of a Biotronik Model 359529, Serial Number 66260638, along with the same information for the two probes that snake through my arteries and into two of my heart's chambers. It also gives my name, address and physician. I am happy to have it because if I didn't, my wife would force me to wear the t-shirt shown below for the rest of my life.



The strange part of this little package was the accompanying letter. In it, I was told to verify the personal information displayed on the card and if there were any mistakes or omissions, I should let the company know. The reason the contact information is so important is so the company can "notify (me) of new information concerning the safety, effectiveness or performance of the implant, and any required corrective action." How is that for giving you the warm and fuzzies of comfort?

I guess I should be thankful they didn't close the letter with, "...and thank you for choosing a Biotronik product."

Peace,

Mitchell